This topic was delivered by Habib Umar bin Hafiz and translated by Shaykh AbdulKarm Yahya in Birmingham on 15th April 2011.

In the Name of Allah, Most Merciful and Compassionate

All praise to Allah, Lord of the Worlds. And salutations and greetings upon our master Muhammad and upon his family and companions.
I intend to study and teach, take and give a reminder, take and give benefit, take and give advantage, to encourage the holding fast to the book of Allah and the way of his messenger, and calling to guidance and directing towards good hoping for the countenance of Allah and His pleasure, proximity and reward, transcendent is He.

On raising children:

• Mother and father play complimentary roles in raising a child
  on the natural dispensation, the fitra.
  • Mother — shows and teaches love, mercy, and compassion. Nurtures and teaches
  • Father — enforces prohibitions and commands.
• Have to be equal and balanced with both boys and girls with
  this kind of parenting.
  • Should not favor one sex over the other in any way because it will lead to an imbalance.
    • Example: Can’t be too strict on girls and lenient with boys (or vice versa)

Random points:

• The Prophet, peace be upon him, would give food to the youngest
  child in the group first.
• Importance of teaching and training both boys and girls to be
  in service of their elders.

On when children reach puberty:

• In this stage children take on religious responsibility.
• Marriage is something to consider.
• Be particular about good companionship for your children.
• Control their interaction with the opposite sex.
  • The Prophet, sallAllah alayhi wa ‘alayhi wa ‘ala ‘aalihi wa
    sallam, would separate children well before this age so that even before they could think about feelings for someone else, they are physically  separated.
• When men and women do speak, it is from behind a curtain or some physical barrier. If that cannot be, (i.e. need to speak on the phone, or no barrier is there) then the tone of voice should not be a gentle, affectionate way of talking. There should not be any indecent speech.
  • Pious interactions in how we speak to each other will lead to tawfiq from Allah (i.e. the conversation is fruitful, there is agreement on good things, pleasing to Allah SWT)
• This phase is one of the most difficult phases in a human life. He or she is tried with many temptations and it is only by Allah’s mercy that He saves some of his servants from sin in this phase… Habib Umar made du’a for protection of our youth and children.

On Marriage:

• Understanding one’s responsibilities before getting married is
  key to stability in marriage.
  • A man learns his responsibilities and what will be asked of him by Allah
  • And a woman does the same.
  • “The best of you is the best to his spouse. And I (the
    Prophet, peace be upon him and his family) am the best to my family.”
• Importance of seminars on Islamic marriage, classes teaching the rights and responsibilities of husband and wife, intentions when
  having children, etc.

Motherhood/Fatherhood

• The role of the khalifa (vicegerency) on earth was placed in husband and wife. This tells us that the family unit is tremendously important and sacred. Reflect on this.
• The phase of parenthood will be built on the previous foundational phases. It requires, “skillful craftsmanship, an organized architecture.”
• Intentions:
  • Have pious intentions before marriage to raise pious and good offspring. This is very important.
  • Renew this intention when you learn you are pregnant and throughout pregnancy. The effect of your intention before marriage will have an effect on your marriage and children. The effects of intentions when a woman learns she is pregnant are even greater.
  • Lessons from the wife of Imran, the mother of Maryam, alayha as Salam, the mother of Sayyidna Isa, alayhi as Salaam
    • Mother vows that what is in her womb will be for the sake of Allah. Later, she learns she gave birth to a girl, Maryam. She trusts that God knew why He gave her a daughter and not a son.
    • Take lesson from her intention to want her child to be devoted to sacred knowledge… how many could do that today. Her daughter, Maryam, is blessed. She lives a pious, protected life and is given food and drink from Allah.
• Zakariyya, ‘alayhi as Salaam, comes to visit her and he sees she has food. He prays to Allah seeing this miracle and is blessed with Yahya, alayhi as Salaam.
• Maryam is honored with the birth of ‘Isa, alayhi as Salaam, a prophet of Allah. The results of that vow in pregnancy is still in effect because Isa, peace be upon him, will come back to earth and restore good after it will see much corruption!
• So, be sure to have high intentions when pregnant.

Question and Answer

1)     Tell us something about Fatima, az-Zahra, the daughter of the
Prophet, peace and blessings of Allah be upon him and his family.

She is a piece of the Prophet, sallAllah alayhi wassallam

–
He is happy when she is happy; he is sad when she is sad.

–
She is of the foremost women of Paradise.

–
She cared for her sisters even though she was the youngest of them.

–
She was in constant service of her father so much that he called her, “Oh mother of her own father” because of her care for him, may Allah’s peace and blessings be upon him and his daughter and family.

–
She was patient in times of difficulty, hardship, and poverty.

–
She was a person of service to others like her father, husband, sisters, and the poor.

2)     Advice for women who want to get married: what to look for in a man,
best approach to take to get married, best age to get married, how to deal with
conflicts with a spouse.

What to look for in a man –

–
Look for a man of religious character.

–
Pray to Allah to grant you a pious husband.

–
Repeat verse 24 in Surah Qasas 100 times a day.
“Rabbi inni limaa ‘anzalta ilayya min khayrin faqeer”
Oh my Lord, indeed I am in complete need of all the good you have sent for me.

–
Have a daily litany (wird) of dhikr and don’t leave it.

–
Study the deen to the extent that you can (so that you can be a better wife, mother, know your
responsibilities, prayers and purification, etc)

–
Avoid dramas, fictional stories and inappropriate images

Best approach to take to get married –

–
If your father or brothers are good, practicing Muslims take them as means to find you a suitable and pious husband.

Age –

–
After puberty and when marriage is easy for you

–
Women in the Prophet’s time, sallAllahu ‘alayhi wassallam, would be married between 15-19.

Disagreements –

–
They are caused by human disposition

–
A way to seek excuses (for our own flaws)

–
One who shows more patience and is good to the other is more pleasing to Allah

–
When there are issues, both husband and wife should strive to fulfill their rights in marriage.

–
Importance of knowing your priorities as a wife:

• Service of elders and fulfilling Sunnah acts is very good but it should not compromise your responsibilities as a wife.
• Each individual should have some extra acts that they do consistently (Quran, dhikr, prayers, fasts, study,etc) but it should not compromise you fulfilling what is obligatory of you to your spouse or children.
  • Example from sacred law – a woman has to ask for permission to fast
    when her husband is home.

–
It is not wise or proper to argue about worldly affairs.

• Never let those disagreements turn into arguments or fights.

3)     Does a woman need to ask for permission to take means to prevent
pregnancy?

–
Unless she has a condition that will cause her harm if she does get pregnant, then yes, she does need her husband’s permission to use means to prevent pregnancy

–
This is because having a child is a good thing for both her and him.

–
But it is permissible to delay having a child until both husband and wife are happy with that time. Decision needs to be mutual.

4)     Why is it that women have to cover themselves? Are there
prohibitions or conditions on the color of the covering?

Covering the ‘awra, or one’s nakedness, is an obligation for both men and women.

But the ‘awra is different for men and for women.

• For women it is everything except her hands and face (and there is difference of opinion on this).

–
What is the wisdom in having
the ‘awra differ for men and women?

• Having women cover themselves is really an honor for them, because it is a protection of their bodies. They are secluded and concealed from harm.

–
Why is exposing herself harmful
to society?

• When a woman is not covered,she is encouraging men to have desire and lust in their hearts for women they are not married to. And is encouraging them to not lower their gaze, which is something men must do.
• This makes a man unhappy with his wife, if he is married.
• This, in turn, harms married women because it causes serious problems in their relationships.
• (If the man is not married, it encourages illicit relationships and sexual behavior than can lead to children born out of marriage and sin).

–
Reality of the beauty in a woman:

• A man looking at a woman for even a short amount of time has more of an effect on him then a woman looking at a man for a short, or even long time. That’s how God created us. So covering a woman’s beauty is a barrier to that lustful response.
• A man looking at a woman is affected in the same way as a woman is affected by a man’s touch.

Since these emotions are real, how do we deal with them?

• By extinguishing them, not by entertaining them.
• Marriage is the only lawful and blessed solution to allowing these emotions to grow.

–
God created us and He knows best our dispositions. His law is a perfect system to deal with our natural inclinations in a healthy and blessed way.

–
The covering itself does not have to be a certain color, like black. But it does need to meet certain criteria:

• Thick, not see through
• Covering the whole ‘awra
• Loose, not tight and showing the shape of the body
• Does not grab attention
  • For example, fragrances

–
In fact, a woman who is even more attractive because of her hijab has to further cover herself with something else!  (or make her Hijab less
attractive)

5)     If a girl’s parents are forcing her into marriage with an
irreligious man, what should she do?

Parents should not force their children into marriage with anyone, regardless if he is religious or not.

–
If you find yourself in that situation, be patient. Be wise in your dealings with that man so that you may change him to be better. This will bring you to a very high station with Allah, in sha’ Allah.

–
If the situation is so unbearable, then request that you be released from him in an honorable way.

–
Allah’s divine decree could come quickly, and you will leave quickly. Or it may take time. Be patient.

–
In being patient, do not let yourself slip into sin like not praying or doing other impermissible things your spouse may be doing.

Final remarks and du’a:

• If we act upon what was discussed, we will ascend to high stations!
• Summary of his du’a at the conclusion of the session:
  • Allah grant them (these women) strength
  • Take them by their hands
  • Inspire them with the Truth and with Guidance
  • Write for them salvation and felicity, In the worlds of the unseen and the seen, In this world and the next.
  • Let this be a proof for us and not against us
  • Look to us with Divine Concern
  • Put us amongst His loved ones and saints.
  • Grant us good in all our affairs.
  • Avert all harm that is coming our way.
  • Make our hearts radiant with light.
  • Purify our hearts.
  • Oh Most merciful of the merciful ones.
  • Make all our affairs good.
  • Bless our mothers in their motherhood.
  • Bless our wives as wives.
  • Bless the single ones amongst us with marriage in a way that is pleasing to Allah and a cause for salvation!
  • Protect our families from misfortune, and all believing men and believing women.
  • Grant us a good death.
  • Make us firm in all perfect ways.
  • Oh You who gives safety in this world and the next,
  • Give us salvation
  • Bring us near and do not distance us from You
  • Guide us like those that you rightly guided, and not those who went astray.
  • Fulfill this for us,
  • Say, Allahumma Ameen, Allahumma Ameen, Allahumma Ameen (and he said it 7 seven times insha’ Allah)

These notes are not mine so for any questions please e-mail salmay39@gmail.com. All credit should go to the note taker so please keep the note taker in your duas.